Despite my efforts for the benefit of others I may have seemed OK but kept my problems to myself, hiding until I recovered from pain or exhaustion.

After 2 decades of hard work, failure in personal relationships, and ignoring my own pain and problems, one day I felt that I was no longer able to act, I had become too drained by circumstances.

Day after day I felt it couldn't continue to burn myself out. I looked up at the sky and begged for silence, rest and peace.

I was fatally tired and the last straw had manifest when my last dear relationship broke down. Shortly after, circumstances took their toll and I collapsed.

I was gone for 3 weeks in the dark and for a further 2 months, confined to my bed fighting for my life. I lost instantly 8 kg of my weight, my period stopped and my body was full of pain. I felt electric pins from toes to teeth, chest pain, not to mention deep anguish, sadness, severe migraine, fear, worry, anxiety, and panic attacks. It got to the point where I felt I was fighting for my sanity.

I was worried because I didn't know when it would end.. or what is happening with me.. and if there is a way out at all.. At the same time, I felt how my brain inside the skull only heated. I was afraid I would have a stroke or a blood vessel in my head would burst. All the pain and unreal "out of body" feelings in my body indicated that I am going crazy and soon will die..

After the third month, I discovered that the psychiatrist began to change my family doctor's medication to a stronger one, which I received as a sign that nobody can really help me anymore. I knew medicine would not dissolve my collapse and later disease, fears, worries, overwork burnout, or past painful experiences.

I felt very alone - again, which was becoming something of a partner to difficult times. I realised that I had to do something - I had my son to consider.

Then it hit me, the medical practitioners who prescribed my medication were not God and required me to be a 'patient' as they experimented.
After that, I finally found the strength to bin all the medication and began to revisit the healing methods and advice I learned over the last decade or so.

On the days when I managed to get up on my feet, I sat under a tree next to my home or walked into the woods behind the house. I sat for hours, weeks, and finally months in the silence of nature and went through deep meditative journeys into myself.